Tuesday, March 30, 2010
How We Read The Haggadah
Who made the following statement: "I'm never coming to this house for Passover again!"
a. Glenn Beck
b. The woman married briefly to my brother-in-law
c. Golda Meir
d. All of the above
The correct answer is B. Anyone who believes Jewish holidays call for serious observation would be wise never to marry into our family, for disappointment awaits them at every turn. Case in point: The gal who wed hubby's brother. Boy, did she mean business. She never did come back for another Passover. Do we miss her? Let me think about that. No.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:03 AM
Monday, March 29, 2010
Here's How I Feel Right Now
One of the great things about seeing movies is that most of the heavy mental lifting is done for us. We never have to wonder what a character is feeling or thinking at any given time, because the soundtrack immediately tells us. Personally, it’s a huge relief. I only have so many brain cells to spare. This is particularly true for romantic comedies or pseudo-serious dramas. Upbeat love songs inform us when two characters are falling in love. Sad love songs tell us when two characters may not make it, or must overcome great odds – like time travel or prison – to be together. Without these catchy, instructional melodies, we might not follow the plot as well. Confusion might send us running out of the theater, demanding a refund.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:47 AM
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:21 AM
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:27 AM
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I Have A Few Thoughts
My prediction that Paige would get booted from "Idol"? A done deal. I'm happy to collect my prize now. What? I get nothing for this victory, except a sick thrill? Fine, I'll take it. Even if a ticket arrived to see the so-called Top Ten on Tour, I'm not sure I'd grab it. Last night's high point: Tim landing in the bottom two. Low point: Miley's Melodramic Head Drop During Weepy Please Go See My New Movie Ballad. A close second: "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" group dance/synch-along. Two words: Awk! Ward!
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:02 AM
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Wisdom of Miley
"I don't think you're boring at all!" sayeth Ms. Miley, last night's American Idol resident sage, to Mr. Tim Urban. High praise, indeed. Just 17, Miley took on the mentor role and did better than I expected. I'll give her that. She grinned like crazy as Tim sang "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." He pretty much sucked, sliding on the stage like a pro. Not to worry, he won't be going home this week. Trust me on this. He's got the cuteness on his side, and plenty chutzpah to boot. Kara compared his performance to Zac Efron in "Hairspray." That wasn't fair.. to Zac. He's super-talented! Simon called Tim's warbling pointless and silly. I'll second that with: very silly.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 11:20 AM
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Five minutes into Sunday's L.A. Marathon, my feet started to hurt. Turns out, black ankle boots aren't the best choice for long-distance treks. I looked around at my competitors and noticed I was out of step in more ways than one. Not only were my shoes a bad call, but so were my jeans, my long sleeve blouse with the cute swirly embroidery, and my oversized handbag. The other folks wore lightweight shorts and sweat-resistant tanks and proper running shoes. I did my best to keep pace with them, but gave up in the second block. After all, I didn't want to trip and do a header into the curb. On top of which, I could sense their resentment. "Cheater!" someone hissed as I clip-clopped down Doheny. "Do you think we didn't see you park your car up the street?"
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Here I am, waiting to get my teeth cleaned, flipping through a week-old TV Guide magazine, when I discover something that shocks and amuses me, deeply. Apparently, I have tons in common with… drum roll please… Mr. Robert Duvall. That’s right, the star of so many favorites: “The Godfather,” “The Great Santini,” “Network,” “Mash,” and “Lonesome Dove.” He and I are “like this” and I didn’t even know it. The source of this cosmic harmony, I’m proud to tell you, is strictly astrological. Mr. Duvall and I are both Capricorns. We are natural goal setters. We willingly handle many tasks when it helps us get what we want. Oh. So that means what? We’re a little self-absorbed? Who isn’t?
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:41 AM
Friday, March 19, 2010
I'm not talking about John Edwards. Pre-Rielle, I admit it, I swooned when I saw him up close. I'm talking about Jesse James, the tattooed biker.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:35 AM
Thursday, March 18, 2010
We've tried this approach
Ask me how many people have lived next door and my mind comes up vacant. I honestly don’t know. I must search through scrambled mental files dating back nearly ten years. I must count all the sleepless nights I’ve endured, courtesy of the various occupants inclined to talk at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night, some in English, some in foreign languages.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:16 AM
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:23 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Under the chuppah on their wedding day in Chicago, December 1, 1949, my parents: Gloria and Ben Starr. Peeking past the rabbi is Charlie Isaacs, in my dad's words, "A great guy and head writer who got me on the Al Jolson show, and Martin and Lewis." Also in the photo, Jerry Lewis and his wife Patty. The man on my dad's right is Bob Redd, producer. Next to Charlie Isaac's, Sheldon Leonard. Nine years later, out came the short Jewish gal, born in the back seat of my dad's Oldsmobile, in the parking lot of County General. It's been an interesting ride ever since.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:30 AM
Monday, March 15, 2010
He got in! Now what?
Quickie from "You Don't Have To Be Jewish," the comedy album that shaped my sense of humor: Women #1: "Oh, the agony! Oh, the ecstasy! Oh, the agony! Oh, the ecstasy!" Women #2: "What is it? What's wrong? Tell me! What's the agony?" Women #1: "My daughter's getting married." Women #2: "And the ecstasy?" Women #1: "He's a nice young doctor."
Early this morning, we had our own version of this dialogue: "Oh, the agony! Oh, the ecstasy!" "What is it? What's wrong? Tell me! What's the agony?" "My youngest's going away to college!" "And the ecstasy?" "He got into Santa Cruz!" "The hippy school?" "Shut up! It's a good school!"
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:53 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2010
If you haven't seen this Jimmy Kimmel video, which aired Monday night after the Academy Awards, you're in for a treat. Or, if you're a Daylight Savings-hater like the SJG, and are still trying to wake your butt up, after three cups of java, then watch it again. Convulsive laughter will kick-start your Sunday, whether or not you know the freakin' time.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:18 AM
Friday, March 12, 2010
I'm the gorgeous, leggy redhead
Newsflash: "Lost" didn't create the sideways world, where characters live in an alternate universe of possibilities. I did. I've been living sideways since birth. There's me, the Short Jewish Gal. And then there's the other me. The more gifted me. The famous me. In my current sideways planet, I'm a tall, gorgeous, impossibly leggy shiksa with red hair. I'm living "this close" to Central Park. I'm Connie Ray, star of stage, screen and telly. I just opened on Broadway in "Next Fall," by Geoffrey Nauffts. And I just met Elton John. Or should I say, he just met me. He's producing "Next Fall." Plus, he's a long-time fan of my work. My angst-ridden rendition of "Your Song" continues to haunt Sir. E years after I first performed it, as a seventh grader stretched out on my twin bed on Lindbrook Drive.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:18 AM
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:40 AM
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I was getting a little worried about the "Idol" ladies losing their collective mojo, but dang if they didn't surprise me last night with some sassy musical stylings! Thanks much, Top 8 Divas-to-be. Truth be told, three were hot, three were not and two were not quite but almost. Let's run it down, shall we? In the "not so much" category, Katie, the young lass, continued to suffer a personality disorder of "Sybil"-like proportions. (First ever Sally Field nod.)
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:52 AM
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:42 AM
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I'm not sure why I take such sick pleasure in predicting who gets the boot on "Idol." On Thursday, I called three out of four. I kept shouting downstairs to hubby, who's already burned out on the show, "I got another one right!" Hubby had trouble rising to my level of glee. A low-key "good for you" was about all he could muster on my behalf. In my tiny universe of me-me-me, it's just so much fun to be right.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:34 AM
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:18 AM
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Old Spice is running a series of hilarious commercials, starring major hunk/actor Isaiah Mustafa. They are so cheeky and fun, they make you want to buy soap-on-a-rope. Check it out. If you don't scream with laughter, chuckle, or at the very least, grin, call a doctor, immediately.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 5:34 PM
"Big Mike" Lynche went from pussy cat to lion, in the words of Simon Cowell, Tuesday night on "AI," singing James Brown's "This Is A Man's World." Nicely done, my muscle-bound man. Big Mike's soulful rendition was the only real standout performance, strangely enough. The guys definitely improved their game, after the sudden switcheroo. It was supposed to be Ladies Night, but my favorite Crystal Bowersox got rushed to the hospital, so they did a flip-flop with the dudes.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:54 AM
I grew up in a house where watching the Academy Awards was a religious experience. My family took it very seriously. The five of us gathered in the den and on this holiest of nights, we reclined in front of the TV, feasting on cold cuts and potato salad and Pepperidge Farm cookies. The evening took on heightened importance because my dad voted for the awards (and still does). Whenever one of his picks won, we all shared an inflated sense of pride, as if we had something to do with it. In the months leading up to the big night, weird and wonderful promotional gifts started arriving: Fortune cookies endorsing “Thoroughly Modern Milly.” A “Butch Cassidy,” giant chocolate bar in the shape of a dollar bill, with Paul Newman and Robert Redford’s faces carved into it. Sheet music and soundtracks from “Oliver” and “The Thomas Crown Affair.”
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:33 AM
Monday, March 1, 2010
Kitschy, over-the-top and fun. That pretty much sums up the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. Giant inflatable mounties. Giant inflatable beavers. Giant maple leafs. Giant hockey pucks. And William Shatner summing up what it means to be a Canadian: “We are a people who know how to make love in a canoe.” Your basic insane Hodge Podge for 20. I'm so glad the Olympics are over, I could do a ceremonial tribal dance in cross country skiis. I could sing, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay." Let's move on, shall we, to something far more important, where the only trophy handed out is a golden dude named Oscar.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:53 AM